Anthony Newley Follow

Lumbered

Music and Lyrics by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley

The orchestra plays the wedding march as Littlechap and Evie walk toward the audience, Evie visibly pregnant.

Chorus: Speech!

Evie staggers offstage, clutching her stomach. Littlechap sings:

I've been trapped, lumbered!

I--have been lumbered!
I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered,
But, I'm never gonna get lumbered again.

I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered,
And I don't L-I-K-E it one small bit.
I'm too young to be a father;
There are lots of things I'd rather be--
Like working down a coal P-I-T pit!

When I ought to be completely unencumbered,
I've been forced to buy a ring and say Amen.
I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered,
But, I'm never gonna get lumbered again.

I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered;
I'm completely C-H-O-K-E-D choked!
Bang, all my lovely visions--
I've been forced to make decisions.
Wish I had a quid for ev'ry fag I've smoked.

When I think of all the birds with whom I've slumbered;
Now I'll only ever see them now and then.
(At the weekends and whenever the wife's not around!)
I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered,
But, I'm never gonna get lumbered again.

If I ever get my hands upon the idiot that wrote,
"Into ev'ry life a little rain must fall,"
I shall take his book of poems
And I'll stuff 'em up his...throat,
'Cause it seems to me as though I get it all!

I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered;
And the idea doesn't please me very much.
I was not prepared for marriage--
I would catch a boat from Harwich--
But I don't speak any D-U-C-H Dutch.

Though I know it's true a bachelor's days are numbered,
I think I should have the choice of saying when,
I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered,
But, I'm never gonna get lumbered again.

Evie: Darling!

I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered.
It's enough to drive a fellow M-A-D!
I am scarcely past my childhood--
I still play the games a child would--
I'm still playing mums and dads, as you can see.

When I think of all the chicks with whom I've rumba'd--
For the wedding march, I'm lumbered with a hen! (Quack, quack!)
I've been quite unduly, well and truly lumbered,
But, I'm never gonna get,
Never gonna get, never, never,
Never gonna get, never gonna get, never never,
Never gonna get lumbered again!

Susan, Littlechap's first born, appears on stage. Littlechap teaches her to walk.

Littlechap: Well, now for a bit of peace and quiet.

Evie: Darling!

Littlechap: Yes?

Evie: I'm going to have a baby--another one!

Littlechap: I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered.

Evie: So have I!

Littlechap: I've had just about E-N-U-F enough.

Evie: So have I!

Littlechap: For my little bit of pleasure I've been punished beyond measure. If you ask me, I've been treated rather rough!

Evie: So have I!

Littlechap: Like a garrison that's gradually outnumbered, Or a boxer when the count is nearing ten,

Evie: Down with men!

Littlechap: I've been L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D lumbered,

Evie: I've been lumbered!

Both: But, I'm never gonna get lumbered again!