Antix Follow

Goodbye
I hate that word
I wish it were a lie
please know I love you ‘til the day I die
I’ve cried enough for both of us this time
these walls have won
can’t bring you back to life
I hate how I’m supposed to live
my life with you outside
I can’t stop crying
and now you’ve turned into a ghost
you haunt my mind
and I
can’t stop our world from dying
baby goodbye

Dear summer
I’m so tired
I haven’t slept right in months now
these living conditions are miserable
and baby
all I ever wanna do is kiss you
all I ever wanna do is come home baby
these other inmates are driving me crazy
it’s so loud
and when I close my eyes to sleep
all I hear is the sound
of these people
and some of them are so f**king crazy
that I don’t really know how they operate daily
I don’t know if I can call this an existence
something’s lurking in my mind
I hear whispers
I’m in hell
when I’m awake
and when I go to sleep
I feel demons in my cell
and even when I dream
there’s an evil
I can tell
that there’s something on the fringes
the tips of these syringes
and when I think about what you must have gone through
I pray to God that he keeps you and loves you
coz I can’t do either of those
from where I am baby
it’s like I’m dead and I’m a ghost
to think that you had to bury your dad
I couldn’t be there to hold your hand
I loved him too baby
I know he’s proud watching you now
yeah looking down little lady
remember when they first let me go to the hospital
and you told me later
you were there behind the glass
I swear that I could feel you
but they wouldn’t let me ask
if I could hold you for a second
and he was dying in my arms
I never told you
your daddy looked at me and smiled
I never forget that moment
but now it’s like I’m losing you another way
I feel it rolling off your tongue
but I refuse to let you say

Dear summer
I haven’t heard from you in a while now
is everything ok?
I got the email you sent a couple months ago
I’m glad the music’s going well
I’m glad you’re on your way
I’m glad you found your rhythm
and you’re back up on your feet
you never were the type to be accepting of defeat
I sleep
a little easier now you’re doing fine
it puts my soul to rest
takes a little off my mind
don’t worry about me baby
I’m O.K.
I think back to that day
when I walked into the bank and didn’t know that I was there
and the gun was in my hand
I didn’t know how it appeared
the lady started screaming
so I started screaming too
woke up two days later
with 6 thousand in my shoe
and how I got the money
I don’t really have a clue
I thought you left it for me
like something you would do
I drove myself to rehab
and checked myself in there
for the first time in a month
that I was seeing crystal clear
remember how many clinics told me I wasn’t eligible?
”too broke”
”live too far away”
those f**king crooks
and that judge handed down 10 years like what?
like he was giving away detention
and you were in the court
with your papers
and your suit
trying to plead the case
baby
like it was everything you know
every fibre of your being
it was you who pulled me through
even though we lost the case
I saw what you would do
I saw you give your blood
work your knuckles to the bone
trying to bring me back
but I ain’t never coming home
I’m gone
and if I come
I’m coming back a different man
you don’t want this baby
and now I understand
I love you ‘til the day I f**king die
but for now
baby
it’s time to say goodbye

Dear summer
I got your letters
I agree with everything you said
I’ll sign the papers
baby you are free
and know that what you do
it’s all ok by me
and even though thinking about you with another man
makes me go wanna insane
like I can’t even f**king stand
makes me wanna grab my hair
and pull it out my head
then rip open these bars and fly to you again
it’s my fault that I’m here
it’s not on you
so go ahead baby
shine like you do
show this planet
what it means to a star
you supported me in here
so I’ll support you where you are
but please don’t come and see me
coz it shatters up my soul
when you come and I can’t touch you
then I have to let you go
I did it in the past but I can’t do it anymore
it cuts me up inside
and it shakes me to the core
when you come
it’s like I’m me again
and that’s a dangerous thing
coz I can’t be me in here
I got shed my humanity
I gotta become a part of the system
so I can live in the system
so I don’t die in the system
baby I’m tired
I ain’t got no more resistance
there ain’t no God in here that wants to listen
so part of me is dead
and I’ve acknowledged that he’s missing
so talk to God for me
tell him “Lord I say forgive me”
I try to do myself
but I don’t think he ever hears me
he’s muted out by the screams of all these people
a layer of sickness
and of darkness
and of evil
and even though the devil is breathing in my ear
and he wants to keep me cloaked in the servitude of fear
I fear no evil
there’s none of that inside
I feel the goodness in me
so to him
I say goodbye