Dane Cook Follow

Let’s go back a little bit, to what I like to call my youth. Because I did have another dream long before I started doing stand-up comedy. Sometimes it hurts to talk about it. Every single week my brothers and sisters we’d say “Dad, dad can we go to Benson’s Animal Farm? That’s where we want to go…to Benson’s Animal Farm. We’d heard about Benson’s Animal Farm. That was my fucking quest. There were rides. There were animals. You could pat a llama…and feed it nuts. You could go on the Zipper and smash your goddamn teeth out of your face…because that ride is really a hazard in every way, shape or form. But who gives a shit? It’s Benson’s Animal Farm. We’d beg my dad… “Can we please go to Benson’s Animal Farm?” And you know what (pause) every single week, my dad would get us so pumped up . He’d say “Hey, hey kids, gather round here, gather round your old man. Guess what we’re gonna do this Sunday? We are going to Benson’s Animal Farm. Put on your fun hats, we’re on our way. Yeah.” And we would say, we’d say “skittley-doo” That’s what we said at my house…don’t judge me! We said skittley-doo…….. My dad likes to have a few drinks from time to time, right, a hard drinking guy, sure… Just so you know, Here's how you know if you're officially drunk. You get in a taxicab and you think the fare is the time. Oh my god, it's twenty-five past twenty four, holy shit. My pop would have a few drinks…One night he was pounding, he had like -- 400 beers – in a row. And I said Dad, Dad I think you need to slow down, you’ve had a lot of beers. And here’s where one of his favorite quotes comes out. He goes,“Hey, hey, don’t tell me about how many beers I’m having. I’m a little bit older and I’ve been around the block a couple of times alright, pal. I’ve been around the block.”(pause) That’s cause you’re too fucking drunk to find the house, Dad. Okay, you’ve had like 500 beers….."Oh yeah, well you don't know your ass from your elbow."I've never gone into a bathroom, Oh, alright...hey what am I doing? and sure enough, Saturday night, my dad, he’d start having those beers, right… and Sunday morning, we’re supposed to be leaving at 8 AM… Dad said we were leaving at 8 AM… we’re knew we were fucked because he went to bed at 7:58… And then, right, we’d all be standing there… right at the edge of the bed, Have my barracuda jacket on and my Lee jeans, brand new pair of Zips.I looked fucking good. Zips man, in the commercial the kid stopped, ahh, lightening came out of it. That commercial lies. I used to get my ass kicked at school. If I get a pair of Zips, lightening would shoot out of my heel. No fucking lightenening came out of a Zip. And we’d be begging my dad… (whispering) Dad, wake up…Dad, it’s time to go. We’re gonna go to Benson’s Animal Farm. And then my dad would wake up, and he wouldn’t just wake up…It was like he was coming out of an exorcism. Whuh, Whuh, What. What? Dad, it’s time to go, it’s 8 o’clock. We’re going to Benson’s Animal Farm. And my dad, he’d get up on his arm . “uhh, umm…alright, listen…we’re going go to Benson’s on another day. Today’s not the day for Benson’s. We’re gonna go on another day.” And we were all so let down, just immediately deflated. (Crying and moaning). “You said. You said”. And we’d all start whining. “You said, you said this.” And then the number one quote, and I know you all heard this at one point or another, my dad would just stop, turn to us and say, “Hey, Benson’s isn’t going anywhere.” And if you’re sitting here saying, “Dane, this sounds like a place where I could have a cavalcade of fun, well where is this place located. Well, (chuckle). IT’S FUCKING GONE! It went somewhere…and I never went. But I’m gonna get him back though. When my dad’s 80 years old, and he’s sick on the couch coughing (cough) “Dane, I need you to take me to the hospital.” You know what I’m going to say. “You know what Pop, the hospital isn’t going anywhere.” It's not over. Then, I’m gonna take him into my car and I’m gonna drive him to an empty parking lot and I’m gonna say “Alright, Pop. We’re here.” And he’s gonna say “The hospital’s nowhere near here.” I’m gonna go, THIS IS WHERE BENSON’S USED TO BE! My Dad did his best...