Dane Cook Follow

I’m nice, that’s the thing with me, I’m nice. Girls always say they want a nice guy. “I wanna nice guy, that’s what I want. I wanna nice guy” It’s not fucking true. They say they want a nice guy. Not true…they want a bad boy. They want a bad boy and you know it. To you they say, “I wanna nice guy, I wanna nice guy. I wanna guy who just looks at me at the end of a long day and just says ‘Hey, we’ll get through this’ and then we hold hands and do spins. We just do spins and we fall & laugh. Ha ha. We’ll get through this. We’ll get through this.” That’s not what you want. Once the girls get around one another, you know what they’re like, “I want a fucking bad boy. I want him to be so bad that he wears a mask and he stands on rooftops of buildings overlooking the city.” I said to my friend, I go what is it? What will make me more of a bad boy? He looked right at me and said, “Dude, it’s simple. You know what you need? You need a motorcycle. Dude, chicks love a motorcycle.” That’s it? That’s what I should get to be a bad ass? “Yes.” What if I fall? God damn it that would hurt to be scraping on gravel and then have a hot bike on me, cause I like to wear short shorts when I ride so it’s those hot pipes…and I’d probably land in front of a bunch of women who have to pick the bike up…Please, Get it off of me! no …So, I tell you what I did, I didn't get a motorcycle, I didn't need to get the motorcycle, what I did is working equally as well if not better, I didn't need to get the fucking motorcycle, un uh, I just got the helmet. That’s all you need. You don’t need a bike. Sometimes I take my helmet and go to a bar and go in with my helmet and go “Whew, whew, wow, good day to a ride with my helmet on.” I did it recently, I took off my helmet and I went up to the bar, all of a sudden, this girl turns and she notices the helmet. It’s like the helmet is my wingman. Oh, it’s ON. And she turns toward me and goes “Oh, do you ride?” and I go Yeah, I fucking ride. That’s my helmet. It goes on my head. Then I go on the hog and I hit that little puppy right there, That’s called the vroom, vroom stick. Vroom vroom stick action…and she’s really getting into me, because of the helmet…and this one girl she looks at me and goes “So, um, I love bikes, I really do. I really love ‘um a looot. What kind of bike do you have?” And I said it’s a Chrysler. A Chrysler Seabreeze, XXL series. It’s hogtastic! She picks up my helmet and she goes “I want to go for a ride on your bike right now. Take me somewhere on your biiike. Uhhh.” And now I’m like no fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Uhhhh…boom, bing, got it! She starts taking me through the crowd and I finally take her hand, Yeah, okay let’s go. Let’s go for a ride right now. I take her outside to the parking lot and I take her to an empty parking space and I’m like where the fuck is my bike?? NO!! It was right fucking here! This is, uhhh, that’s my oil…I know that’s my oil because I put cinnamon bits inside my oil to identify, that’s my cinnamon oil, shit! aaaahh. You know what I should’ve done, I should’ve watched the news during the day to see if a house near by burned down and that way when she goes to give me a ride, I can pull up in front and be like NOOOOO! This is the worst day of my life, please take me to your home and make love to me, that’s all I have…