Demetri Martin Follow

I love playing guitar I find it very relaxing, you know. I actually started with guitar quite a while ago, as street performer. It was hard, because I was in the suburbs, on a cul-de-sac. Not a lot of foot traffic. When people went down there to make a U turn, I’d get them. There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place, that becomes less comfortable overtime. I think statues are wonderful. They show us what great people would look like if birds shit all over them. Because pidgeons have no sense of history. “Napoleon whatever, I just ate some bread so I’m going pretty much wherever I want.” How long is it going to take in our society to see a person with an eye patch and not to think that they’re a pirate? I saw a guy with a suit and a briefcase, but he had an eye patch and all I saw was 'YAR!' Off to me office holding me calls, Yar!Where's me meeting? I bought a dictionary and the first thing I did was I looked up the word 'Dictionary' and it said, “You’re an asshole.” I was eating a bowl of cereal and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily, there was a number on the box. So I called. I said, "I have a question; is this cereal as delicious as I think it is? And I have a comment. Yes!” Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, but batteries, they die. "Why aren’t you listening to your walkman?" "I can’t! My batteries died in my lap this morning. They were so young! The twins are gone!" If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead. It’s a shit life. I noticed there are no B batteries. It goes right from A to C. I think that’s to avoid confusion, because if they were B batteries, we’d know when someone wanted them or had a stutter. “Can I help You?” “Yes, I would like some “B” Batteries.” “Sure, what kind?” “B batteries.” “Right. What kind?” "B batteries damn it, I said it three times!” And D batteries, those are hard for foreigners. “Yes, I would like D batteries up there please.” And never order C batteries in twos. “Hi, I’d like two C batteries. “ “Then look at them stupid!”
By the way, if you wanna sound like a creep just add the word ladies to the end of things that you say. It could be harmless too, it doesn’t matter. Like “Thanks for coming to my show, Ladies!” “Help! I’ve fallen into a well and I can’t get out, ladies.” Only the ladies, c’mon! It’s like a jacuzzi with really high walls, you know you wanna!” Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy but would not want to have as a nick name. "This is my friend Leo and Eric and uh this over here is Cotton Balls.” “How ya doin’, I’m kinda fluffy.” Cinnamon buns on the other hand; Yeah, I would buy those and have that as a nick name. “Excuse me, are you Cinnamon Buns?” “You bet your sweet ass I am.” Sort of is a harmless thing to say. Sort of; it’s just a filler it doesn’t really mean anything. But for certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you", or "You’re going to live", or "It's a boy!" This summer at a party I learned that there's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location! I remember when I used to really be into nostalgia. I saw a sign that said “Watch for Children.” I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade, especially if they’re crappy kids.”
I went to a clothing store. The lady working there, she got mad at me because she said “What size are you?” I said, “Actual!” This aint a trick baby! What you see is what you get. She was amazing. I never met a woman like this before. She showed me to the dressing room, she said, “If you need anything, I’m Jill.” I was like Oh My God. I never met a woman before with a conditional identity. What if I don’t need anything? Who are you? If you don’t need anything, I’m Eugene. I like to do crafts. I work quite a bit with glitter. Don’t worry I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls. The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever, because glitter doesn’t go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Aw damn here comes the sun, flare up. I love video games, but they're very violent. I wanna design a video game which you have to take care of all the people who've been shot in the other games. “Hey Man, what are you playin’?” “Uh, Super Busy Hospital…two. Please leave me alone. I need to concentrate. I’m performing surgery on a man who was shot in the head 57 times.” I think they named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Those are orange. Oranges. What about these? “Oh Shit!” Long pointies?? When they were naming the vitamins, they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than their ended up being. Ok let’s name these. Vitamin A, keep going. Vitamin B, Ok slow down man, we got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like “We’re pretty much done. We got all those damn B's! This is embarrassing. Let’s just skip to K and get the hell outta here." When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy. Ant eater? What’s he doing? He’s eating ants. Done! Next! I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it's like… “What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There's nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine." I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick birthday candles. “Alright fellas, we’re done here. Aw come on! Alright, everybody make another wish. Let’s get outta here.” I think it’d be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer and the paper clip popped up and said, “It looks like your writing a ransom note. Need some help? You should use stronger language, you could get more money.” Thanks paper clip with a tattoo. Nice bandana. It’s weird the way finger puppets sounds ok as a noun... ladies. Went into a bar with my friends, had to go to the bathroom. So I went in there, I sat down, and somebody had written on the stall Metallica rules. Under that it said Metallica sucks. Under that it said You suck. Under that it said fuck you. I just thought, “Man, a lot of people shit with pens. Why don’t I have one? Because Toy Story 2 was ok!" This summer I want to go to the beach, and burry metal objects that say get a life on them. I love the beach. I love to get there really early before everybody else shows up. I take like 30 bottles with notes in them, and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everybody to come to the beach. When someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them, because when they open it, inside there's a note that says I’m standing right behind you. If someone asks you the question, “Are you ticklish?” It doesn’t matter whether you say yes or no, they’re going to touch you. If they say “Are you ticklish?” and you don’t wanna be touched, you have to say something like "I have diarrhea. Now don’t touch me, because you’re going to make it come out! And yes, I’m very ticklish."