Mary Crowell Follow

Magnus Retail
Copyright 2001 by Mary Crowell
This is the very first fantasy song I ever wrote. It is an advertising jingle for an alchemist -- an icky overcharging one created by my husband for his Paladium campaign.

INTRODUCTION
Sometimes a wizard's bag of tricks
Needs a little help, a real quick fix.
If that's the case, you know what to do.
Call me, Magnus retail, for the spells that cast true.

CHORUS
Your spell won't cast?
I'll make another.
Glamour won't last?
Don't call your mother;
I'm the genuine article, an alchemist, and genius squared.

You need sigils and signs?
Pay me money.
Words to combine
That don't sound funny?

Thesaurus, procurer, businessman and genius squared.

VERSE
You say that you were walking along,
When you tripped and fell and broke your wand.
Don't throw away your ailing stick.
I'll fix it, paint it, polish it slick.

CHORUS
Scrying to do?
I can find it.
An enchantment or two?
I've refined it.
Clandestine, done with utmost discretion by a genius squared.

You want a carpet to fly?
I can deliver.
A mermaid's left eye?
Shipped down the river.
I specialize in merchandise of magic; I'm a genius squared.

VERSE
I've got amulets made of silver and gold;
Rings from queens a millenia old.
Wreak flaming death! Cause misery!
There's just a small nonnegotiable fee.

CHORUS
Life’s a little less grim
When it’s enchanted.
An impossible whim
Can be granted.
Cross my palm with lot's of gold, and it is SOLD by a genius squared.

There’s someone you fear.
Need a favor?
Should he disappear?
I’ll be you savior
As long as payment’s in advance as I demand, a genius squared.

VERSE
There's a witch whose looks are giving you trouble.
Sabatra's her name with a boil and bubble.
She's a cousin of mine, and I'm sure you can see
Why I double my fee when it's close family.

CHORUS
(Spoken: Sooooooooo, you tell me . . .)
Your spell won't cast?
I'll make another.
Glamour won't last?
Don't call your mother.
I'm the genuine article, an alchemist and genius squared.

So, come on down!
Magic wholesale!
Best deals in town!
Magnus Retail!
I'm the genuine article, an alchemist and genius squared!