Nick Swardson Follow

I was thinking about this the other day: I would never commit suicide, but if I did, I want to do it in front of a lot of people, and yell something really weird right before I did it, just to fuck with all the people who saw it. You know what I mean? Like just go in front of a group of people with a gun and just be like, "WHO FUCKING FARTED?!" *Bang!* And just blow my head off. How confused would those people be for the rest of their life--they would have no idea why that happened. Can you imagine seeing that? It'd be like, *BANG!* "OH MY GOD! HOLY SHIT! What'd that guy just say? Who fucking farted?" "Who farted? Who farted, bro?" "Did somebody fart?" "Plug your nose, man, somebody farted--that guy fucking killed himself." "Oh my God! That must have been the worst fart ever! That guy blew his head off--" "PLUG YOUR NOSE, DUDE! PLUG YOUR NOSE!" "Holy shit! The poor guy! That's terrible!"

That poor guy! You guys, suicide's not funny. It's not funny. Especially, when it happens to babies. I was watching my friend's baby the other day, and I ran him a bath, I went outside to play video games, and I came back and the baby had drowned himself. No note--just a selfish act, just a selfish act...That joke is weird, that's just weird.

I'm not really freaked out about death, I don't really care that much. I'm actually looking forward to my funeral. I think that's gunna be fun. Not a lot of people have fun with their funeral, I'm gunna have fun. They're always sad and boring, you know? Like, I went to a funeral recently and it was lame--and, uh, I know that that sounds weird to say, "yeah, I went to this funeral *pff* Sucked!" BUt, like, why? Why does it have to be sad? You know what I mean, why can't you make it interesting? Make it fun for the people who are there to remember you. You know? These are two things I'm going to do at my funeral, two things:

First of all, I'm going to have a closed casket, so that people will 'think' that my body is in there, but it won't be! I want to have my body fall down on wires and swing over my family. Dude! How sweet would that be? Then hit out the lights, hit it with a strobe light, and then techno music! So it's just a body that's like *nst! nst! nst!* Just swinging over everyone! how great would that be!

And then the second thing I want to do--like you need more than that!--But, I want to have a chunk of money saved up and have it mailed off to some random celebrity, and have him make an appearance at my funeral. Like, just a chunk of money with a note that says, 'Here you go! It's my last wish! Take this money, show up at my funeral, you don't have to talk to anybody...just in and out! Just make an appearance--that's all you have to do!'

But I want like a mid-level celebrity, like John Stamos would be sweet! Uncle Jesse on full house? Just to be funny, my friends are suffering at my funeral, "I can't believe Nick's dead, man! I can't believe he died, he was a good dude, man. I can't believe he died....it's too bad.....Dude! Is that John Stamos?! Did Nick know John Stamos?! I didn't know that-"

'*nst! nst! nst!' And the body falls, Stamos is like, "I'm out of here! What the fuck is this guy? Is that guy on wires? Holy shit!"