Noel Coward Follow

Useless Useful Phrases
from Sail Away, by Sir Noel Coward.

When the Tower of Babel fell
It caused a lot of unnecessary Hell.
Personal rapport became a complicated bore
And a lot more difficult than it had been before
when the Tower of Babel fell.

The Chinks and the Japs and the Finns and Lapps
were reduced to a helpless stammer.
And the ancient Greeks took at least six weeks
to learn their Latin grammar.
The guttural wheeze of the Portuguese
filled the brains of the Danes with horror.
And verbs not lust
Caused the final bust
in Sodom and Gomorrah.

If it hadn't been for that bloody building falling flat
I should not have had to learn Italiano
And keep muttering Si, si and Mi chiamano Mimi
Like an aging metropolitan soprano!
I should not have had to look at this ghastly little book
Til my brain becomes as soft as mayonnaise is.
Messrs Hugo and Berlitz
Must have torn themselves to bits
Dreaming up so many useless, useful phrases.

Pray tell me the time
It is six, it is seven
It's half past eleven,
It's twenty to two.
I want thirteen stamps.
Does your child have convulsions?
Please bring me some rhubarb.
I need a shampoo.

How much is this hat?
I desire some red stockings.
My mother is married.
These boots are too small.
My aunt has a cold.
Shall we go to the opera?
This meat is disgusting.
Is this the town hall?

How much is this ribbon?
It's cheap.
It's expensive.
What very fine linen.
What pretty cretonne.
What time is the train?
It is late.
It is early.
It's running on schedule.
It's here.
It has gone.

I've written six letters.
I've written no letters.
Please fetch me a horse.
I have need of a groom.
This isn't my passport.
This isn't my hatbox.
Please show me the way to Napoleon's tomb.

The weather is cooler.
The weather is hotter.
Pray fasten my corset.
Please bring me my cloak.
I've lost my umbrella.
I'm in a great hurry.
I'm going.
I'm staying.
Do you mind if I smoke?

This man is the purser.
This isn't my cabin.
This egg is delicious.
This soup is too thick.
Please bring me a trout.
What an excellent pudding.
Pray hand me my gloves.
I'm going to be sick.