Victor Herbert & Kenny Baker Follow

"I Can't Do the Sum"
Music by Victor Herbert
Lyrics by Glen MacDonough

From "Babes in Toyland" (1903).

If a steamship weighed ten thousand tons
And sailed five thousand miles
With a cargo load of overshoes
And carving knives and files,
If the Mates were almost six feet high
And the Bo'sun near the same,
Would you subtract or multiply
To find the Captain's name?

[Refrain--
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Put down six and carry two,
Gee, but this is hard to do.
You can think and think and think
Till your brains are numb,
I don't care what teacher says,
I can't do the sum.]

If Clarence took fair Gwendolyn
Out for an auto ride,
And if at sixty miles an hour
One kiss to capture tried,
And quite forgot the steering gear
On her honeyed lips to sup,
How soon could twenty men with brooms
Sweep Clare and Gwennie up?

[Refrain]

If Harold took sweet Imogene
With him one eve to dine,
And ordered half the bill o' fare
With cataracts of wine,
If the bill o' fare were thirteen ninety-five
And poor Harold had but four,
How many things would Harold strike
Before he struck the floor?

[Refrain]

If a woman had an English pug,
Ten children, and a cat,
And she tried in seven hours to find
A forty-dollar flat,
With naught but sunny outside rooms
In a neighborhood of tone,
How old would those ten children be
Before they found a home?

[Refrain]

If a pound of prunes cost thirteen cents
At half-past one today,
And the grocer is so bald he wears
A dollar-five toupee,
And if with every pound of tea
He will give two cut-glass plates,
How soon before Willie falls down
On his new roller skates?

[Refrain]

(From the book The Fireside Book of Children's Songs c 1966)
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