Barry Humphries Follow

The snow scene's really fantastic in Oz. I've just swung in from the Continent and the snow community here tell me I really missed something Queen's Birthday Weekend. I blew across to Europa - correction, Europe - about six months ago to do a bit of business for the old man, landed at Napoli, took delivery of an Alpha in Milano that did the snow circuit, took in most of the Arleberg and the Kitzbühel, went over to Saint Moritz, swung on to Paree - correction, swung on to Paris - and finished up the season in Chamonix. I picked up a new pair of white stars, a pair of Scott poles, a few Icelandic beanies, gloves and a new pair of Bognors, shipped the car back from Londres - correction, London - and flew home via the States, doing a bit of business for the old man en route.

It;s an absolute certainty that some of our best snowfields in Oz are on a par with anything I saw on the Continent. We've even got the instructors - I skied all over and I didn't strike one Continental ski instructor who could better our own Heinz or Helmut up at Buller.

When I hit town I did a bit of business for the old man and then belted up to Buffer in the VW Kombi with a few great old mates of mine from school. There was Simon Cook, Andrew Fox-Russell, Chris Cralg and Blair Peyton-Smythe. There'd been a good fall so we got in a bit of fantastic skiing, but Blair's nutcracker slipped on Fannie's Finish and he ended up in Mansfield Hospital with a broken leg. The rest of us blew into the Portsea Hut for a few of the old glühweins, then we all got into our apres gear and had a few more at the Bull's Blood Bar, swinging on to the Nomad Lodge for the Brotherhood of St Lawrence dinner dance. Drew couldn't stay, because he had to blow downtown to do a bit of business for his old man, but Simon and I made it with a couple of little - uh - snow bunnies and Chris got shacked up with a fantastic little snow widow whose bloke was downtown picking up a bit of business for his old man. Chris had helped her on the beginners' slope, and he reckoned she was a fantastic little performer. Double bunks but no complications.

I was all for doing the circuit and swinging on to Fall's Creek and then Thredbo, Perisher, Smiggin Holes and Charlotte's Pass, but a couple of the fellas had to pull out and do a bit of business for their old man and Sue and Sal had a private with Heinz and Helmut at five, so Roger, Bronwyn, Colin, Trish, Craig, Robbena, jude and myself took the snow without them. At Fall's Creek there was an average depth of eight inches, with the village and summit T-bars operating, and you haven't skied till you've tried the Frypan, but Thredbo was the greatest, with a nine-inch fall at Crackenback and that Saturday night was absolutelyfantastic. We took in the Copper Kettle, the Schluss Bar and Leo's, swinging on to the Eagle's Nest for the Prince Alfred Younger Set dinner dance. It was hosted by a great old mate of mine from school, who lent us his fantastic flat at Windy Corner while he blew downtown to put in an appearance at his old man's business. So we all shacked up there with stacks of the old glühweins, a few crates of tinnies, a couple of little snow bunnies and no complications

Me and a few great old mates of mine from school'll be getting into our penguin gear and gunning it up there again next weekend for the dinner dance for Mentally Retarded Children - believe you me it's a great life up there amongst the snow community and you can really have a ball, no matter which of the major schools you went to, particularly if you're lucky enough to get snowed in with a stack of glühweins, a few crates of tinnies, a couple of little snow bunnies and no complications.