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There's a fat man standing by the soda machine
And he knows, he knows, he knows
Life can be funny

He calls the hair salon says, "Put Loretta on
'Cause the mall just called and said the last guy's gone
And I know, I know, God knows
We need the money"

He's a big red cherry
But it's hard to be merry
When the kids are all laughing
Saying, "Hey, it's Jerry Garcia
Ain't he cute?
The man in the Santa suit"

And all the moms in town bring their brats around
And they can't sit still or keep their root beer down
Now it's up, hey how 'bout that
It looks like a milkshake

Now Jimmy's grown this year says, "Mommy quick come here
Santa's sweaty and he smells like beer"
And he says, "Kid, shut your mouth
You give me a headache"

And he's jolly and hairy
But it's hard to be merry
When the guys at the bar
Say he looks like a fairy
But he's doing it just for the loot
The man in the Santa suit

And he's a big red cherry
He's jolly and hairy
Everyone's laughing
But he doesn't care, he stays cool
Ain't he cute?
The man in the Santa suit

There's a fat man standing by the soda machine
And he knows, he knows, he knows